Monday, July 21, 2014

My Archnemesis, Captain Comet

            “It’s not like I wanted to actually be a supervillain,” I explained as I sat nervously behind two inches of glass.  “I mean…  I had plans. I actually had realistic goals in life. It’s all Captain Comet’s fault. Arrest him.  I’m not even sure why I’m considered a supervillain. Sure, I can turn invisible, but it’s not like I want to take over the world, rule a country, cause major chaos or run a crime syndicate.”
            No matter how long I talked, the cops weren’t listening. In fact, they were ignoring me completely. I knew this because they kept leaving the room. It seemed my story was falling on deaf ears. So, I begin to tell my story to anyone who listened.
            My name is Kyle McMullan. Before I was moved into my new four by four home for supervillains I used to live in a real house like real people. It wasn’t much but it was mine. It had brick walls, hard wood floors and a scent of cigarettes and cologne. Pictures of family members I can’t stand and hot babes plastered over the walls. Shag carpets that cuddled my feet and expensive items that weren’t always mine.
            Where I’m from, you pretty much only have two career choices. You can either become a cop or a construction worker. So naturally, I decided to become a career criminal. It didn’t matter the product. If you wanted it, I could get it for you. I could get you drugs, booze, cars, or televisions. Hell, if you wanted a cat I could probably get you that too. Some people called that stealing. I called it relocating.
            “I’m in relocation,” I would say to anyone who asked my profession.
            “What do you relocate?” they would respond.
            “It depends on what you want,” I would answer.
            But like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. And what ended that good thing you ask. Some people call them saviors. Others call them godsends. I like to call them super zeros.
            With superheroes flying around the city, it became a lot harder to earn an honest living as a thief. I mean relocater. You couldn’t steal so much as toothpaste without them lifting you out of the sky and giving you a go-straight-to-jail-card. The weird thing about it is they don’t even get paid for it. They seek pleasure in Justice. How pathetic is that?
            I hate superheroes. What civilized adult walks around in the tightest clothing imaginable even if it’s freezing cold out, and decides to fight for justice? Fight for justice? What is justice? Superheroes think they know, but they don’t.  Justice to them is whatever they think is right.  It’s not like these guys were trained in law enforcement. I bet half of them don’t even know what they’re doing is illegal.
            It was a superhero who made me a supervillain in the first place. His name is Captain Comet. I guess he thinks he’s the captain of comets. And talk about tight costumes. This guy had a costume so tight you can see the outline of his unmentionables. Wavy black hair, strong chin and abnormally white teeth. Why is it only the good looking people become superheroes? I’ve seen quite a lot of ugly cops in my day, trust me. Oh and of course he couldn’t be a complete dunce without his long orange cape, which of course serves no real purpose. He probably thought it looked cool while he flew.
            Freezing cold night. The noise of the city drowned out the sound of me ripping copper wire from an abandoned building, the most expensive product that you can relocate. This place was completely abandoned. It smelled like the forgotten. Who would care what I was doing? Suddenly overhead is a loud WHOOSH!
            “Good evening citizen,” he said. Citizen? I mean come on, who talks like that? “May I ask what you’re doing on this fine evening?
            “No,” I said, “Now get lost.”
            “I’m afraid I can’t do that, young man.” Young man? We’re the same age.
            “And why is that?” I asked, pulling the last of the copper wire out of the wall.
            “Well, because you are stealing,” said Captain Comet.
            Oh and did I mention that the whole time this conversation was going on he had his hands on his hips. Who does this guy think he is, Peter Pan?
            “Well, if it bothers you so much then call the cops.”
            “I’m afraid if you don’t put that copper wire back, I’m going to have to take you back to jail.”
            If I wasn’t so busy laughing at him I probably could have gotten away.  But, I mean, come on. This guy was a joke. The only super power this guy has was the ability to fly like a comet.  He can fly like a comet. That’s why he calls himself Captain Comet. Now I get it. Anyway I underestimated him and here’s what happened.
             First he punched me in the face. I lost two teeth. Then he punched me in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe for ten whole seconds. And lastly he did some sort of football tackle that felt like a car or truck. All I could smell was blood. I didn’t even know it had a smell. Now in case I haven’t told you before. I’m not some skinny punk by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, I work out. But, Captain Comet worked out.  But, in my defense, he did sucker punch me. I’m sure of it. 
            Now, I agree that everything up too this point was my fault. Sure, he had no right to enforce that law on me, but I had no right to break it. But you see at this point I’m just a dumb criminal. It’s completely Captain Comet’s fault that I’m a dangerous supervillian.
            “Put me down!” I yelled as he flew me over the bright city.
            “Sorry, pal,” he said. “It’s the law for you.”
             I’ve never been that high before. The wind was swishing by me. It was beautiful up there but cold. The night sky reflected off the glass buildings. The lights lit up the city in a way I’ve never seen before. And from this high up the city never smelled so nice. It almost seemed silent and peaceful.  I began to feel something I’ve never felt before, guilt. I felt like a complete idiot for contributing so much pain to a beautiful city. I was this close to going straight.  Then my shirt ripped and he dropped me. Damn superheroes. What gives them the right?
          I land in a chemical plant, of all places up to my neck in chemical waste. The toxic green sight that resembled glowing vomit made me queasy. It felt like my skin was burning off. I regained consciousness moments later and Captain Comet was nowhere to be found. I was pretty out of it and the walk home was a blur. That long walk home and I still didn’t realize I was turning invisible.
            After screaming at the top of my lungs and smoking two packs of cigarettes I realized that this wasn’t a bad thing. Being invisible made my job as a relocater a hell of a lot easier. Only this time I wasn’t stealing for myself. Why would I? Who needs money when I can just take what I want. Paying for penny candy felt insulting. And let me tell you something. There is nothing more fun than scaring the living crap out people. Watching them scream in horror as they watched their new fifty inch flat screen T.Vs float away, gave me the delight of a little child with an ice cream cone.
           Being invisible gave me pleasures I never knew before. Like free rent. My land lady was so convinced a ghost was living in the apartment she never set foot on the floor again.
             “Kyle, is that you in there?” she asked one time. “Kyle McMullan, are you in there?”
              "Arghhhh!” She screamed so loud my ears hurt for a week. It was so worth it, though.
             I was infamous. “The Invisible Man Strikes Again!” the headlines say. I couldn’t get enough of it. Watching eye witness testimony on the news made me laugh hysterically. The press and the fame were going straight to my head. I felt invincible. I began to think that no one could touch me.  How could I’ve been so stupid?
             One Saturday, I decided to drive around the city with my top down.  Of course I didn’t have a car, so I stole a shiny red Pontiac Firebird. The car I always wanted. Shiny chrome wheels. Shiny glass windows. Everything was just shiny. I didn’t even have to hot wire it, like the old days. The former owner was half way down the street seconds after I took the keys out of his pocket. A car driving itself was definitely an interesting sight. Life was good. Then out of nowhere came Captain Comet.
            “Invisible man?” asked Captain Comet. “I believe you’re driving in a stolen car.”
            “Oh, no. Not you again. Go away,” I said.
            “Not you again?” he asked. “Have we met before?”
            “You dropped me, remember?”
            “Oh it’s you… sorry,” he said.
             “Leave me alone,” I said, “I’m not going to let you rain on my parade.”
            “I’m afraid I’m going to have to storm on your parade, Invisible Man,” he said.
            Storm on my parade? Who talks like that? I couldn’t believe it. This guy dropped me in to a chemical plant. The least he could do was let me have a free pass.
           “Listen, you maniac,” I said. “I’m driving around 100 miles an hour. You mind leaving me alone so I won’t crash, Captain Comet?”
            “I have no intentions of killing you,” he assured me.
            “You mean you have no intentions of killing me again,” I corrected him.
            “Your shirt ripped. I didn’t mean for you to fall,” he said.
            “Alright, I believe you,” I said. “Why don’t you just buzz off and we’ll call it even.”
             Captain Comet replied, “I do regret our last encounter but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
             “Dude, you totally suck.” 
             Then he grabbed me out of the car and I watch it speed 100 miles an hour into a tree.            
             These superheroes do more damage than they do saving. I mean, what’s the point of catching a thief for stealing property if you’re just going to let the property get damaged? What a dummy. 
             Once again I found myself being flown to jail. Only this time he made me hold on to his back so I wouldn’t fall again. By the way, I forgot to mention, I didn’t have invisible clothes, too. 
             “But I’m naked, man!” I exclaimed.
             “Safety first, citizen,” he said.
              So here I am, naked, in a special wing for super criminals. I’m currently awaiting trial for about a million counts of grand larceny. The guards carry tasers and the cells are made of unbreakable glass. Shockingly, it smells nice and not like pee, which is the usual aroma.  It’s the cleanest and nicest cell I’ve ever been in and a special thermal monitor is hooked up next to it so they can see my heat signature in all its glory. They’re definitely putting the taxpayer’s money to work.  Tomorrow the headlines will probably read “Captain Comet Ends Invisible Man’s Reign of Terror!” My bail will be denied because I’m a flight risk.
             However, I’m not worried. You can’t prosecute and convict what you can’t see. I’ll be back. And I will have my revenge on Captain Comet.
              “You hear me people!” I screamed for the world to hear. "I will have my revenge on Captain Comet!”

The End

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